“Hospitality is a great pleasure to people of a sociable nature, and its obligations have a most refining influence. The generous consideration of others reaches its acme when one is constantly entertaining little circles of friends, with no thought but to give happiness.”
Edith. B. Orday
Etiquette of Today
Author: Edith B. Orday Published: 1918
Personality
Family Etiquette
Conversation and Correspondence
Casual Meetings and Calls
The Personal Card and the Engraved Invitation
Behavior in Public
The Art of Being a Guest
Duties of Host and Hostess
Duties of the Chaperon
Etiquette of the Marriage Engagement
The Conduct of a Wedding
Etiquette for Children
Etiquette of Mourning
Military, Naval, and Flag Etiquette
CHAPTER IX
THE DUTIES OF HOST AND HOSTESS
HOSPITALITY is a great pleasure to people of a sociable nature, and its obligations have a most refining influence. The generous consideration of others reaches its acme when one is constantly entertaining little circles of friends, with no thought but to give happiness.
The pleasant custom of serving tea each day at five o'clock is one which admits of great enjoyment. The man of the house tries to be at home for the quiet social hour before the family dinner. The young people of the family are gathering after the day's dispersion. The friends, who are out calling or on their way home, drop in for a pleasant chat; and the charming hostess has time for many glimpses of friends, and chance also to say the right word to some friend in need of cheer, who knew that she could be found at her daily hour of welcome.
The custom of receiving on a certain day of the week is a sensible and hospitable one. If one has such an "At Home" day, it is more polite for friends to call on that day than on any other. If a lady has, however, sent out cards announcing that she is "At Home" on "Wednesdays in January and February," one should not call on those days unless one has received the card having the special invitation.
Some receive once a month during the season. They have the day engraved on their card, as "The first Friday until Lent," or "The second Wednesday until April."
The custom of sending out cards for a certain day throughout one month avoids a "crush" on any one day, and enables a hostess to receive informally without giving up a great part of her time.
The informal entertainment is a greater compliment to guests than any formal entertainment, however splendid.
The hostess should preserve the happy medium between neglecting and overattending to her guests.
When a hostess wishes to have her friends meet an expected guest, she should inform them of the intended visit beforehand, and so enable them to make an engagement to meet her, or plan entertainment for her. Invitations to a reception in honor of a friend can well be, and should be, sent out in advance of her coming, if her stay is to be short, and if the dates of her stay are definitely known.
At a reception for the introduction of a friend, the hostess and the guest of honor will stand near the door of the drawing-room and receive. If the reception is very large, the butler announces the names of the guests as they enter. The hostess gives her hand to the newcomer, and presents her to the guest of honor. After a few words of greeting, the caller passes on into the room where the refreshments are served.
The refreshments usually consist of dainty sandwiches, salads, perhaps creamed oysters or chicken, bouillon, chocolate, coffee, or lemonade.
Afternoon teas are less formal and less elaborate than receptions. The refreshments consist of tea, with thin slices of bread and butter, thin biscuits, and cake.
At a dancing party the hostess receives, together with her daughters and any guests whom she honors by asking. The host may receive, as well, but his chief duty is to keep a watchful eye upon his guests, looking out for the chaperons, and seeing that the young people are supplied with partners for the dances.
At a débutante party the mother stands nearest the drawing-room door, the daughter next her, and the father beyond. The mother greets each guest and then introduces the daughter. At the supper or dinner her brother or father takes out the débutante, who sits at her father's left. In case her brother takes her out, her father takes out the oldest or most honored lady present.
The successful host and hostess see to it that all their guests are introduced to each other, if this is possible, so that the best of cordiality and the least restraint may characterize their mingling.
Breakfasts and Luncheons
Breakfasts may be homelike, informal affairs, or quite ceremonious. The hour of this meal is at any time before one o'clock, usually twelve or twelve-thirty. After one o'clock the affair becomes a luncheon.
Men are invited to a breakfast, but usually at a luncheon the guests are all women.
A real breakfast menu, such as is often served on Sunday mornings in the country, consists of fruit, cereal, a chop, or steak, or fishballs, with potatoes, eggs in some form, muffins or hot rolls, and coffee, waffles or hot cakes, or, in New England, doughnuts.
The menu for luncheon consists usually of soup, fruit, lobster in cutlets or croquettes, with mushrooms, or omelet, or fish; broiled chicken, or lamb chops, with green peas and potatoes; a salad, crackers and cheese; ice cream, with coffee, tea, or chocolate.
At a breakfast or luncheon, as at a dinner, every effort should be made to be punctual. The success of such an occasion may be ruined by a tardy guest.
At a luncheon one removes wraps and veils in the dressing-room, retaining one's hat and gloves, the latter being removed at table, and resumed in the drawing-room after the meal, unless cards are the form of entertainment.
As the guests enter the drawing-room the hostess shakes hands with them and introduces them to one another before going to the dining-room. When no men are present the hostess leads the way to the dining-room, and the guests find their places at the table by the name cards. When men are present the procedure to the dining-room follows the custom at a formal dinner.
It is becoming customary to use the daylight as much as possible at all social functions; and, indeed, at no affair, unless it be very late in the afternoon and very ceremonious, is the daylight excluded and the candles and chandeliers lighted.
The Formal Dinner
The most enjoyable dinner is that with four or six guests, which is served in a simple and only semiformal way. This enables a hostess to bring together only congenial people, and the group is small enough for the talk to be largely general, and thence especially valuable, as each brings his wittiest stories, his clearest thoughts, and his best self to the appreciative and inspiring circle.
The formal dinner is usually set for seven o'clock, or half after, or eight. The elaborate dinner will take from an hour to two hours, according to the number of courses and the efficiency of the service. There should be a waiter for every six people, although at a small dinner an efficient maid may serve eight covers without much delay.
The invitations to a formal dinner are sent out two weeks ahead. No more people should be asked than can be comfortably seated and speedily served. Twenty inches at the very least should be allowed to each cover. Children are never present at a ceremonious dinner.
In choosing guests every effort should be made to have them congenial, with no glaring divergence of opinions, which would by any means make any one uncomfortable if the conversation were to become general. In seating the guests, only congenial people should be placed side by side. The intellectual harmony of a dinner is as important as the culinary harmony.
Ladies wear gloves at a formal dinner, and remove them only at table, resuming them when dinner is over and the guests have returned to the drawing-room.
The dining-room must be quietly but well lighted. There should be no glaring lights, but a soft radiance which is so general as to make everything clear. An electric light hanging eighteen inches above the table, or a tall lamp whose light is at about the same height, either of them well shaded, are satisfactory additions to the candlelight.
Sometimes high lights are dispensed with and only candles used. Candles should always be lighted three minutes before the dinner is announced. For a dinner of not more than eight covers four candles are sufficient light.
Relatives are not seated side by side, as the effort is to have a general mingling of the company. A clever hostess will see that her guests at a small dinner party are all introduced to each other before they enter the dining-room.
The table may be round, oval, or rectangular, but if too narrow it cannot be made to look well.
The tablecloth is always spread for a dinner. A thick pad of felt or double-faced cotton flannel should go under the tablecloth. The damask should be immaculate and of good quality. The tablecloth should hang almost to the floor at the corners.
At each place there is a card on which the guest's name is written. These place cards often have the monogram of the hostess in the center and are otherwise blank, except for the name written on.
The place cards at a dinner should be laid immediately before the plates of the guests or on the napkins, which are folded squarely, and of sufficient size to be of real usefulness.
In setting the table, the spoons for soup, dessert, and coffee are arranged at the top of the plate; the knives and forks, the latter of several sizes, are placed on either hand, in order of use, and the small plate for bread, olives, etc., is on the right.
In eating, the oyster fork is the first used, and then one takes the next in order. Should one be in doubt, the rule is to glance at the hostess and adopt her method, whatever that may be.
On elegant tables, each cover, or plate, is accompanied by two large silver knives, a small silver knife, and fork for fish, a small fork for oysters on the half-shell, a large tablespoon for soup, and three large forks. The folded napkin is laid in the center, with a piece of bread in it. Fish should be eaten with silver knife and fork.
A half-ladleful of soup is quite enough for each person, unless at a country dinner, where a full ladleful may be given without offense.
Individual salts or salt cellars are now placed at each plate, and it is not improper to take salt with the tip of the knife in lieu of a spoon.
The place plates stand under the oyster or soup plates and under any course when it is desirable to have them. Plates must be warmed or chilled according to the temperature of the food which is to be served in them.
The indispensable courses of a dinner are soup, fish, roast, salad, and dessert. In arranging her menu, however, each hostess will suit herself to her pocketbook and to what she considers good form in the amount and kind of food.
The formal dinner should be served in a very leisurely style.
At the daily family dinner as well as at formal dinners, all the ladies of the house and among the guests should be helped before any of the men are served, even if some distinguished guest is among the latter.
It is not necessary to wait until all are served before beginning to eat at a dinner, but wait until the hostess has commenced to eat.
Butter is not served at a formal dinner, and bread is laid in the napkin beside the plate.
There should be no urging of guests to eat. It is assumed that a guest is not afraid to eat as much as he wants.
When the fruit napkin is brought in, the user takes it from the glass plate on which it is laid, and either places it at his right hand, or on his knees. The doily beneath the finger bowl is not meant for use, but should be laid on the table beside the finger bowl.
After the dinner has been eaten, and dessert is reached, everything is cleared off but the tablecloth, which is now never removed. A dessert spoon is put before each guest, and a gold or silver spoon, a silver dessert spoon and fork, and often a queer little combination of fork and spoon called an ice spoon. For the after-dinner coffee a very small spoon is used.
Coffee may be served in demi-tasse at the table, or later in the drawing-room. Cream is never served with a demi-tasse.
The napkin should be left lying loosely beside the plate after a meal.
In case either a guest or a servant meets with any accident one should pass it over with as much speed as possible and turn the attention of all immediately toward some interesting matter. A mistake should be completely ignored by both hosts and guests.
Whenever a course is offered which you do not enjoy, never decline it, but accept it, and endeavor to take a small portion at least of it. You avoid then the tacit criticism of the taste of those who like it, and put your hostess at ease.
No personal preferences in foods are to be consulted or mentioned when one is a guest at dinner. If one cannot accept of the fare offered, one should have declined the invitation.
Should a guest be late, the hostess need not wait more than fifteen minutes for him, after which time, if he appear, the host rises from the table to greet him and cover the interruption of his entrance, but the hostess does not leave her place. If he does not come until after the second course, he is served only as the others are served, and no attempt is made to serve the previous courses to him.
When dinner is ready, the maid or butler appears in the drawing-room door, catches the eye of the hostess, and announces quietly that dinner is served.
Upon the signal, the host gives his arm to the guest of honor, and they lead the way, the lady being seated at the right of her host. After them come the other couples as the hostess has planned. Each man has found upon the dressing-room table an envelope addressed to him, in which is the name of the lady whom he is expected to take out to dinner, and also in the corner "R" or "L" to indicate on which side of the table he and his lady are to sit.
After all the others have passed out, the hostess brings up the rear with the gentleman guest of honor, who will sit at her right.
Evening dress should always be worn. For a lady a gown with low neck and short sleeves or elbow sleeves; for a gentleman, a dress coat and its accompanying trousers, vest, and tie of regulation cut and color.
Arrival a few minutes before the hour is customary in order for the guests to assemble in the drawing-room, greet their host and each other, and proceed together to the table.
When the meal is finished, the hostess catches the eye of the guest at her husband's right, smiles understandingly, and they immediately rise, and, followed by the rest of the ladies, leave the room, the men standing meanwhile. The men linger for a half-hour or so over their cigars and coffee, or liqueurs, before following the ladies into the drawing-room.
In the United States it is more usual for the men and women to leave the dining-room together, and the hostess to serve the coffee in the drawing-room, than it is for the men to linger by themselves at the table.
After a dinner party one should bid good-night to the lady one has taken out to the table, to one's host and hostess. It is not good form to omit the latter, for she should be assured that you at least have enjoyed the evening, and that her effort at hospitality has been appreciated by you. It is not necessary to take a formal leave of the other guests. If you choose you may wish them a general good-night.
A ceremonious dinner begins with a tiny bit of caviare on a tiny bit of toast.
Then comes the fruit. It may be melons, peaches, strawberries, or grape fruit. It must be in perfection, and should be on ice up to the moment of serving, and must tempt the eye as well as the palate.
Next comes the course of oysters or clams on the half-shell, which should be served on crushed ice, on oyster plates made with hollows for the shells, and picked up with silver forks made for the purpose. Or they may be served more daintily without the ice, immediately after they have been taken from the cooler, and without delay.
Then a clear soup. It may be served from a silver tureen by the hostess, or may be brought in soup plates to the guests by the waiter.
Then fish. This may be served by the host or arranged in a dainty mince and served in shells to the separate guests. If served by the host, potatoes very daintily cooked may accompany it.
Throughout the dinner olives, salted almonds, radishes, and similar relishes may be passed. These are the only articles of food on the table when the guests take their seats.
After the fish there can be an entrée or two of some delicate dish, but the roast properly comes next. It may be turkey, beef, mutton, or lamb. The host may carve it if he pleases, and the waiter receive portions from him and carry them to the guests. In many houses the lady of the house is served first, and next the guest of honor, who is the lady at the right of the host. With the roast some vegetables are served.
Then comes a salad, and with the salad cheese and crackers are served.
The dessert follows the salad, and black coffee concludes the repast. This last may be served at the dining table, or later in the drawing-room by the hostess.
The dessert may consist of ices, fruit, pastry, or confections. Frequently there is a final course after the sweets, consisting of crackers and toasted cheese.
Visits
It is now considered quite proper for the host or hostess to specify the length of time covered by an invitation for a visit. The complication of duties in our present-day life makes the assignment of even pleasures to definite periods necessary. This is as important as the arrangement of trains and methods by which the guest may arrive and leave.
The English manner of entertaining is a very excellent one, as it gives the guest his freedom and makes his visit of the utmost profit to himself and also to his host. The English host sets the time of arrival, has his servant meet the guest at the station with conveyance, has him met at the house door again by a servant, and shown to his room, where he is made at home by being offered some light refreshments. He is told at what hour he will be received by his host and hostess in the drawing-room, usually a short time before dinner. Then throughout his stay he does not see his hostess till midday, although she provides amusement for her guests, which he is at liberty to enjoy or ignore as he chooses.
After the noon meal he may do as he chooses through the afternoon, appearing only at dinner, which is the formal meal of the day, and at the general gathering of the family and guests in the evening. The various members of the family are ready to show the visitors the place, or the countryside, or play their favorite games during the day; but there is no effort to make the entertainment formal or to force it upon the guest. We do not wish to see even our most honored guests or our dearest friends all of the time, and this arrangement makes the meeting at dinner all the more enjoyed and valued.
Before inviting guests it is necessary to see to the comfort which is represented in the guest chamber. This should be as dainty and comfortable as any chamber in the house, and, in addition to the usual furnishings, should have other fittings intended to supply all the comforts of one's home. A full line of towels, toilet articles, and even night robe, bathrobe, and slippers should be ready for the use of the guest in the event that her trunk and suitcase do not arrive at the expected time.
If the bed is fitted out with finery as well as with all the linen, blankets, and comfortables which a well-set-up bed requires, the care of the finery, its removal at night and folding up, should not be left to the guest. This should be attended to before bedtime by the maid, and the bed turned down ready for occupancy.
There should, of course, be vacant bureau drawers and wardrobe. The guest, especially if her visit be for a short time, and she has not brought her workbox, will much appreciate a small workbasket fitted out with needles, thread, thimble, and scissors. A desk fitted with stationery, pens, and postage stamps adds much to the comfort of a guest chamber, for, no matter how brief the stay, facilities for writing to the distant home are needed promptly and constantly.
The guest's comfort should be provided for before her entertainment or amusement, and she should be made to feel perfectly at home in her room, and her possession of it be absolute for the time of her stay.
It is a compliment to a guest to remember her favorite dishes, or to arrange things to suit her known tastes and preferences.
It is the duty of the hostess to give the signal for retiring. This should be done with a fine regard for the desires of guests, rather than according to one's personal wishes.
Special Duties of the Country Hostess
The country hostess should make her entertaining distinctive from that of the city. Every one should, at times, return to the country, for both physical and mental well-being. So when he is there, it is of great importance that he get country fare and country life, rather than make a fruitless attempt to live in the country as he does in the city.
The country hostess should not attempt to entertain unless she can depend upon her servants. Her relations with them should be such that there is no likelihood of having a houseful of guests and the servants thereupon suddenly weary of the quiet of the country, or for any other trivial reason promptly departing. The country hostess will, however, fit herself to meet any emergency which may arise, both on her own and her family's account, as well as on that of her guests.
Therefore, housekeeping and entertaining should be simplified as much as possible, and the most unexpected of emergencies should be anticipated and provided for, as far as may be. Unless the country hostess is herself competent to cook and to tend the fires, she will never be safe in the sending out of invitations. For the same reason, other members of the family should be trained in helpfulness, so that an emergency will simply mean the adoption of emergency tactics previously agreed upon and practiced to the point of efficiency.
The country hostess should remember that to her guests the charm and novelty of the fresh air and outdoor life are perhaps the greatest attractions of her home. So she should see to it that guests are left untrammeled, to go and wander where they may wish; and also that the guest chambers and all other rooms are kept filled with fresh air even in the coldest of weather.
Often the change to the invigorating country air makes the guest feel colder than the actual temperature of the room warrants. The hostess should remember this, and should provide that at all times the living-rooms and guest chambers be warmed as well as ventilated. The open fireplace is needed in addition to steam or furnace heat in an isolated country house.
"Simple things need to be excellent." The hostess should provide fresh fruit, chickens, eggs, vegetables, cream, and milk, the products of the country, rather than the elaborate dishes of the city.
The hostess should enjoy the country and teach her guests to enjoy it. She should know the attractive walks and drives, the places of real interest, and she should be able to point out the picturesque spots, and the points of vantage for especially fine views, and to make others feel the charm of the country.
The hostess should furnish outdoor occupations, should interest her guests in making collections of curious plants from the woodlands, and in getting acquainted with the trees. There should be some popular sports provided even in midwinter, and all the necessities for the enjoyment of these should be furnished, as well as a library, games, and all sorts of indoor entertainment and pastimes for the possible days of storm which shall block all exit from the house.
The serving of meals out of doors, if the season and weather permit, is a distinctive feature of country hospitality, and very enjoyable to city dwellers. Breakfast and afternoon tea are especially easy to serve on the lawn or piazza, but more elaborate meals may be so served if there are servants and facilities enough. Simple meals out of doors are preferable to more elaborate meals within. In order to do this enjoyably or successfully, it is necessary to have the piazza or garden somewhat secluded. A hedge, in the absence of other protection from the curious, easily makes this possible.
The informality possible in country entertaining is its greatest charm. Neighbors should be encouraged to "drop in" at any hour, as the monotony of country life may thus be greatly relieved.
The hostess who, in order to meet an emergency, is obliged to do much herself, should either simplify her plans of entertainment, so that she could carry them through without too great weariness to play her part as hostess by being with her guests, or should call upon them to assist her, and make it a companionable visit at any rate.
Rural festivities are usually festivals of labor, in which all join first in the work and later in the play. One should endeavor to do one's part of the work cheerfully, and in the spirit of good comradeship, as well as share in the fun.
One of the most enjoyable resources of the country hostess is the picnic. This idea may be varied to suit any circumstances and any surroundings. It may take the form of an athletic frolic for the young people, or of a reading party in some secluded and shady glen on a hot day, if the company be intellectual, or various other forms.
Public Functions
Men and women of prominence are often called upon to act as special hosts and hostesses at public or semipublic functions, such as club dinners or luncheons, society receptions, school or college graduations, receptions given by the heads of business houses on anniversaries or at openings, civil or state receptions, charitable social affairs, and the like.
As a rule, the etiquette and duties of such occasions do not vary greatly from those of the more private affairs, but usually greater formality is observed, and there is less responsibility on the part of the public entertainers for the details of the service.
At a club reception and luncheon, the president and chief officers of the club, with the guests of the day, stand in line and receive for a half-hour or more, in the parlors of the club. When all the guests, or the most of them, have assembled, the procession to the dining-room is headed by the president with the guest of greatest distinction, who is seated at his right. The other officers follow in order of rank, with the other guests in order of distinction.
After dinner, when the last course is completed and the débris removed, so that the tables present a neat appearance with their decorations intact, the president rises and raps for order. Then, after a few introductory remarks, he begins the program of the day. These programs vary greatly, but usually include after-dinner speeches of the light and happy or only semiserious order,--unless the purpose for which all are gathered is of serious moment,--music both instrumental and vocal, by excellent performers, and the responses to the speeches, either by the president or by others of the officers who may be called upon for brief and pertinent remarks. A spirit of good-will and enthusiasm should characterize such a gathering, whatever the object of it.
When one is appointed on the entertainment committee of a club, or of a city, or other body of people, for the holding of a congress of any sort, it is necessary to provide in minute detail for the entertainment of guests for a period covering the entire time of their stay. Such guests should be met at the depot or boat landing, should be given every assistance toward making them acquainted with the officers of the congress and club, and with the city, and every detail of provision for their comfort should be looked out for. Personal social claims upon their time should not be so made as to conflict with their real interest in coming, or with the advantages they may have sought in the visit, for carrying out their personal plans.
When one is a guest on such an occasion, he should remember that while his entertainment may have been official, his obligation for it is personal, and that he should personally thank his hosts and, in particular, his special host and hostess, as if he had been their only guest. No matter how absorbing the business of the congress or conference, no matter how strenuous his own official duties, his obligation socially is imperative, and must be met.
When one is a member of the graduating class of a school or college, or of any small group of people who, as a society, are entertaining, one should show the courtesy of host or hostess to every guest. This does not mean that one is responsible to every guest, to see that he or she is well entertained, but that, aside from his personal responsibilities to his own guests, he should be, at all the public functions, in the attitude of host to any stranger to whom he may show even the slightest hospitality.
As for his own guests, there are one or two points of special courtesy because of the nature of the entertainment. If he is inviting young women, or even only one, to whom he intends to give his whole, or a large part of his time, he must also invite her mother or chaperon. This rule is invariable for the high-school boy graduate, for the graduate of the men's college, and for the man graduate of a co-educational university.
In addition to the usual provision for guests, he must provide for their entertainment overnight or during their stay, if they be from the distance. He should, in addition, and early in their visit, acquaint them with the peculiarities of the local college customs. These customs are distinctive with each college, and their etiquette should be made clear to one who, though unused to them, is about to share them.
2011 © Church Growth Associates, Inc.
